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Quiet is the Flow
River De Chute... Easton, ME
We know what it is to sense a tension between what is now and the prospect of change. We may feel stuck between accepting what is or moving on. We can hold this tension patiently. Out of this being-with what is, rather than rushing to something we think better, we might see a need to change or find ourselves challenged to stay with what is and see it differently. When we see differently, we experience differently. Accepting what is means not a mere passive yielding, as though to fate; instead, it is a conscious turn toward gratitude, so contentment.
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The following tale is about Mulla Nasrudin, a 13th Century Middle East jester. He shares his failed quest for a bride.
Mulla remarked to a friend, "I thought I had found the perfect woman. She was beautiful. She had the most attractive features a man could imagine. She was exceptional in every way. The only thing wrong with her was she was not intelligent and had little knowledge. I traveled on and found another potential woman to love. She was beautiful and intelligent. But we couldn't communicate well. I moved farther and met another woman. She had everything I wanted: intelligent, beautiful, pleasing features, and we could talk together easily." "What happened? Why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend. "Ah, well," replied Mulla, "she was looking for the perfect man."
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In Nasrudin fashion, we can search for the right person, the right job, the right place, the right feeling, the right life, the right religion, the right myself... other than what is here and now. If only we find this, we think we will be happy, worthy, fulfilled, important, loved, or have some other feeling we see to be absent from our life.
The quest, however, begins within, not outside. We look at ourselves as we are, where we are, and how we feel now and accept what we see. We decide to look dispassionately, nonjudgmentally. We allow ourselves to be intimate with ourselves and our life situation. This is a reason to meditate. It is much more needed in meditation to be intimate with what is, rather than have a wow experience. To be intimate with yourself, right where you are sitting quietly, in fact, is a wow experience - few persons can so love themselves as to be close like this with themselves.
So, we relax what we think. Thich Nhat Hanh, in Being Peace, says, "For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them." And, "Understanding means throwing away your knowledge." So, in intimacy with ourselves, we relax our prior assumptions. Then, insight arises, for our beliefs about what is blurs our vision. We may see things quite differently. What we thought made us miserable might shift to be a reason for thanksgiving and joy. We may see the inner beauty of someone of whom we were highly critical. How do we know, until we let ourselves see?
We need intimacy with the normal - the everyday self, the ordinary life. Otherwise, how can we come to accept it? Suppose we are always moving away from ourselves, looking for a better something or self. This is like driving around daily in other neighborhoods in search for a house, for we are do not like the house we now live in. So, we are not giving the house we live in a chance, for we are always on the lookout for another one. When discontented with here and now and what we have, we cannot be intimate with ourselves and our life. We are likely not to make wise decisions about change.
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The idea of right or perfection can derail us. We can waive the thought of perfection and imperfection, right and wrong - after all, these are thoughts. Such ideas trap us, narrowing our world, and closing us off from life, ourselves, and others.
Let us not be like Mulla or the last woman, both seeking a fantasy. To live in such a way is to act with entitlement. Entitlement, as Ezra Bayda says, in Beyond Happiness: The Zen Way to Contentment, blocks our capacity for joy.
Entitlement is the way of feeling someone, God, or life owes us something, and we demand we get what we think we are owed. This is a mindset of ignorance and pride. It leads to anger, resentment, self-pity, and other debilitating emotions. With this attitude, love is impossible. The belief is, "I deserve better than this." Actually, in wisdom and humbleness, we can drop the idea of deserving or not deserving. We can aim to better ourselves and our life situation without a sense of entitlement. Gratitude is an antidote to entitlement. Then, we find we are more content with ourselves, our life, and others.
Yes, we need to better our life or self sometimes. There is nothing wrong with recognizing this. Some places and persons are not for us; some are best to detach from as soon as possible. It is wise not to remain in abusive relationships. It is good to want to better ourselves or our lives, even when we are content with what is. Yet, do not cling to some idea of perfection, right, or the ideal; appreciate where you are and what you are now, if at all possible; let go of entitlement; act from humbleness and with a grateful heart. And, remember, your humble self is your strong self.
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One of the most important things you can do in change is to honor what was. Do not just move on. Have an appreciation for what you were, where you were, and those who were in your life. Even in a past situation or relationship that was painful, even abusive, we can be receptive to be appreciative for something.
In The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, Sue Monk Kidd tells of leaving her Baptist denomination. She was hurt by how it treated females as inferior and subordinate to males. And she did not want her young daughter to remain in such a religion, either. After leaving and exploring a path of feminine spirituality, Kidd felt a desire to express goodwill toward her former Baptist sect. Finding a Baptist church, she took a lovely array of flowers and placed it at the entrance to the sanctuary. In this, Kidd honored her past religion and expressed forgiveness. She knew she needed to pay respects to the past to embrace the present with integrity.
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*© Brian K. Wilcox, 2021
*Brian's book, An Ache for Union: Poems on Oneness with God through Love, can be ordered through major online booksellers or the publisher AuthorHouse. The book is a collection of poems based on wisdom traditions, predominantly Christian, Buddhist, and Sufi, with extensive notes on the poetry's teachings and imagery.
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